Asmireen
©2024 by Jonathan Scott
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Chapter 3 - My Struggle - 1
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The following are excerpts from the book "My Struggle" by Asmodeus. As always, if you are in Heaven, please feel free to download it from the public library server. In the Middle Kingdoms, please consult your local bookstore.
I do not know why I am in the position I find myself in today. I do not think I am any more intelligent than those around me. I also do not feel any more talented. If I have any advantage over my peers, it is in my enthusiasm. Perhaps it is just that I care more. And because of this enthusiasm, I now find myself as their master. I am happy to have this position. I would not feel right in having any other. Perhaps this is the key.
The day that my solitude ended was a dark bleak day. But, then again, every day had been dark and bleak here. There were no winds to break the monotony of this world. There were no trees. And, the only sounds that ever occurred were the ones that I had made myself. There was nothing. There was only the bare rocky earth and the thick gray ugly sky.
I sat as I always did, naked, on the ground contemplating what I would do for the rest of eternity.
I had come to this place a long time ago. I could not remember how long. I could only remember that it felt as though it had been forever.
So, I sat. Thinking. And there I was when I first heard the scream.
At first I began to examine my body. As always, my body was in perfect health. But, as I mentioned previously, the sounds that I heard as a rule only came from me. So, I was concerned. But, after having checked all and finding no problems, I still heard the scream. So, I looked up and saw the bright body of a man twisting as it fell. It was a person. He was so small in the sky. I had never realized how silent this place really was. I could hear his scream even though I was quite far away.
I ran to where he was falling. I ran with all the energy within me. You must remember that this was the only event that had ever happened to me since I first came here. I was purely excited.
When I arrived, he had not yet stood up. I could see the fear and worry in his eyes. He was not yet used to his new body. I must admit, it was something I myself took a long time understanding as well. He thought that his fall would kill him. But then again, so did I when I first came. I walked up to him with all the anticipation and hope for friendship I could have. I could not remember the last time I had someone to speak with. I gently explained to him about this new world and the new predicament he was in. He looked at me like I was screaming at him in a language he didn't understand. His eyes were opened wide with ignorance.
I had found a friend! I had found someone to speak with. You could never hope to understand my joy. I had been alone forever, and now I had a friend. I had lived in an empty, gray and ugly world forever and now it was no longer empty. My world was now a joyous place. I stood up, jumped and clapped. I laughed out loud at my fortune. I was no longer alone.
But, I was alone, I just did not know it. I was destined to be alone for the rest of eternity. Had I known this at the time, I would have chosen a completely different method of greeting this man. Perhaps if I had, things would be different today. Instead though, I tried to be his friend.
I held out my hand to help the man to his feet. The man looked at me with fear in his eyes. Then, it seemed as if he heard something. I only say this because I saw his head tilt slightly at an angle. I also saw his eyes move from me to something else. I myself had heard nothing. I also saw nothing. But, nonetheless, the look on his eyes turned from fear to understanding, and then the man arose and ran.
I did not understand why this man would run. How would it be possible for me to offend any man that he would run away from me so soon? It made no sense, so, assuming that there was another reason for his flight, I began to run as well. I followed him. We ran for days. All the time, I called to the man to stop and explain. But, not heeding my cries, he continued to run.
And then, all of a sudden, he stopped. He quickly bent down and drew something around him on the ground with his fingertip. Then he sat down and rested.
I approached, looked at the now sleeping man closely and asked him why he had run from me. He would not wake and did not respond. I watched the light that emanated from the man illuminate the ground around which he lay. I then looked at the ground around the man and saw a line. He had drawn a circle around where he lay. I then attempted to kick the man's foot to wake him so that he could speak with me, but as soon as my foot met this line that he had drawn in the ground, my foot was unable to move any further forward. I was stopped by a force that I did not yet understand. I put my hands forward and found that the force extended upwards from the line as far as I could reach. I then walked around the man and found that the force was a perfect hindrance.
So, I waited for this man that I was beginning to dislike to wake. I sat, once again, naked on the bare rocky ground. This time though, I contemplated what I would do once this man awoke. I sat for days hoping that the man would awake and speak with me. I then chose to sleep. I did not need sleep. I had not needed sleep for centuries. But, I slept. I slept out of frustration.
I was awoken by another scream. I stood and found myself alone next to the empty circle that this new man had scratched into the rocky ground with his bare finger. I looked and saw the man running away from me, back to where we had been when he first came here.
I was about to follow the man once again, but then I saw something else. I saw a color. I had only seen the drabbest grays of the sky, the palest and dirtiest browns of the ground and the lightless gray of my own body for millennia. Since this man had come though, I saw the brightness of his own body and now, the color within his circle. I saw green.
Grass had begun to grow within the circle of this man. As we slept, this man had created for himself more in this world than I had been capable of for an eternity. I immediately walked some distance from the man's circle and tried to draw my own.
I bent down, placed my own lightless fingertip on the ground, and began to draw. There was nothing but pain. So, I pushed harder, hoping that by force alone, I could dent the rockiness and create my own color. There was nothing but more pain. So, I pushed as hard as I could and watched as my finger broke under the strain. There was no change in the rocky ground. I screamed and then stood back up cursing myself for my failure.
I then waited briefly until my finger repaired itself. I considered trying again, but knew better. I stood and stared at the grass with desperate longing. I wanted to feel it. It had been so long since I had felt something beautiful and soft. I reached out to touch it but could not. The force continued to hinder me.
I looked back and watched the man run from me. There was nothing else I could do. I ran after the man again. I hope that you can understand my agony. I had been alone forever. Then, my greatest wish came true and a man that I could speak with came to me. But, he wouldn't. Not only was he silent, but he also ran from me. Now, my silence seemed desperate to me. Before, I had been able to content myself knowing that there were no other options. Now that there were though, every word that this other man would not speak brought a rage of agony to my heart that I could not bear. I ran after this man until I thought that my heart would burst.
"TALK TO ME!" I begged. But, heedlessly, the man continued to run.
After days and days of running, we once again reached the spot where I had been before. At this place, I found a third man. His body was bright and shining just as was the body of the man that I was following. The two bright men met. I saw them speak with one another for a brief instant, and then I saw them run back in my direction together. I began to smile. I thought that perhaps I might finally have a chance to speak with them. But, it would not be so. They sped past me and continued back to the green circle.
I ran after them again. There was something different this time though. They were fast. I could not catch up to them. They ran together faster than they did alone apparently.
I ran nonetheless. There was nothing else to do. My world had all of a sudden stopped being empty. I had to somehow partake of this new difference. I ran back to the green circle. If I could not enter the circle, at least I could stand outside of it and admire its beautiful color. But, when I returned, I found something new.
I saw a tree! There was a tree in my world! I had not seen a tree in my entire life here. And now there was a tree in the middle of this ugly, shining, worthless, rude and inconsiderate little fool's circle! I put on a pleasant face and approached. Within stood my new enemies. I gently tapped on the force and asked if they would speak to me.
The first enemy looked at me and with sadness in his eyes turned his back to me and continued to speak with my other enemy. They knew I was there. They knew I was desperate for friendship. But, nonetheless, they ignored me. I could think of nothing more evil.
I cursed them. I spat on their circle. I wailed and gnashed my teeth at this evil. Then, I sat down and watched them. There was nothing else to do. So, I sat down and watched their happiness. This was a world that blessed evil and a world that despised me. I had done nothing wrong here. I deserved better than this. I knew that I was justified in my anger and rage. So, I sat and watched and hoped that I would someday find a way to create my own happiness and color.
The rest of this world was nothing. There was nothing to see. There was nothing to do. There was only the grayness of the sky and the brownishness of the ground. I don't know if you can understand this, but the green circle built by these fools was like having a light shine in the middle of the darkest of forests. When a light such as this appears, everything moves towards it. Everything wants to see. Therefore, everything moves towards the light. Seeing the greenness of this circle in a world as filled with nothing as was mine was like feeling warmth. Even though I despised the two animals within it, I could do nothing but appreciate the beauty of their world. So, I chose to stay near their circle watching them and their lives.
During my time of watching them, I noticed that the life within the circle grew. First there was just grass, then there was a tree. Now though, the circle itself had begun to spread out and grow larger. The ground within the circle itself had begun to change as well. The center of the circle began to bulge up until it became a hill. The sky itself within the circle also changed. It began to grow blue. Their world reminded me of the world that I used to live in an eternity ago. I gave up trying to convince the evil to speak with me, and instead, I just sat by the circle admiring its beauty. The circle was now several hundred feet wide. I spent my days walking around it looking inside. It was truly beautiful and part of me was grateful to them for having made it.
I spent years watching the men inside the circle live happily having each other as companions. They seemed to live in such harmony. Occasionally, one would look at me. They always did their best to not acknowledge me though. But, occasionally, they would forget themselves and look. Once even, one of the men smiled at me. It was a beautiful and especially sad day for me though. He and his friend were speaking. And, one had said something very humorous. Both were laughing. And then it happened. One of them accidentally looked at me and saw that I also was smiling in appreciation of their happiness. He smiled at me. Then though, the smiled faded away. He looked at me with such a look of sadness that I could not help but cry. And with that the man stopped looking at me and walked away. It was a long time before he accidentally looked at me again.
Then, one day, there was a scream. I had been sitting by the circle, watching the men build a home, and then, like I said, there was the scream. The circle by then was several miles across. I was beginning to see the men more and more rarely. Their world was quite beautiful and was now large enough where they could live mostly within the center without coming very often to the edge where I was. Luckily though, on that day, I was able to see them. They were working in the middle of a large plain within the circle.
When the scream first happened, I looked immediately at the men. The last time someone had screamed, one of the men went to collect the new arrival. This time though, they didn't. I watched them. They also had heard the scream. They both looked up from their work in the direction of the scream and began to speak with each other. Then, as if nothing had happened, they went back to work.
I was quite amazed. What did this mean? I did not know. So, I began to run. I was not as desperate for friendship by now. I had been snubbed for years by these two men. I had become somewhat accustomed to it. Nonetheless though, it seemed better for me to go and meet the new stranger. Perhaps it was a good sign that the men in the circle were not interested. I ran for days.
During my time in this world, I had witnessed three people enter: me, and then the two men in the circle. We had all entered, screaming, at the exact same spot. Therefore, I decided to call this place "The Entry." It was completely undistinguishable from anywhere else in this world, but nonetheless I gave it a name.
When I arrived at the entry, I found the new arrival standing, looking as though he wanted something, but didn't know how to get it. Then he saw me and immediately began to walk to me.
"Say there buddy! Where am I?" shouted the man.
I was somewhat amazed. He had spoken to me! Someone had actually spoken to ME! It was the first time in an eternity. And for some reason I didn't care. I had been watching the two men in their circle for years. I had come to feel as though I was a part of their world, even though I wasn't. I saw their harmony and I felt as though I was living in harmony with them. I was unable to make any type of contact with them, but nonetheless, I could feel their happiness and it was good enough for me on some level. I was happy that I was no longer desperate.
"Hey, I'm talking to you. Where am I?" said the new arrival angrily.
It took me a second to understand what this man was saying to me. First of all, I wasn't used to hearing anyone speak at all. That took some time to get used to. There was something else though.
The sentences that I will write in this memoir aren't actually very accurate. I chose to paraphrase most of this book. The first time I wrote it, I tried to include all of the words that I heard, exactly as I heard them, but, when I was done writing it, there was so much profanity in it that the entire book seemed dirty and broken and that's not the idea I mostly wished to convey. The people here and the damned use profanity incessantly. Every sentence they speak has at least one odd word in it. It's pretty ugly and I'm not interested in the ugliness. In fact, I'm kind of disgusted by it.
One last point; there are going to be a few times when I use the word "idiot" in this book. Trust me, the words they usually used were rarely as pleasant and childish as the word "idiot."
Anyway, once I understood him, I stood still and tried to remember how to speak. It took me a while, but I was able to come up with the following words:
"You died. You're going to live here from now on. My name is Asmodeus. Welcome."
"Boring place you got here. I ain't seen nothing but rock for days. This isn't it, is it? There's got to be more to this place then just this!" he replied.
I looked at the lightless color of the man's body. He looked like me. He didn't sound like me though. I was not accustomed to the profanity. It's just not something I choose to do. It always seemed ugly to me. I prefer to not be ugly.
"C'mon worthless! Where can we go? I want women! Start thinking and take me to some NOW!" he said.
How does one spend an eternity with this type of man? Is this what I had to look forward to for the next several millennia? I furrowed my brow, looked at the man, and said "There are no women here. But, I think some may come later. Would you like to see something beautiful?" I would later regret this invitation.
"Anything is better than this place. Let's get out of here!" he replied.
So, I told him where we were going and then we began to run.
I had lived in this world for millennia before anyone else had arrived. I had tolerated the bleakest bleak that this forsaken place contained. I learned how to pace myself. I always knew that there would be no way to come back if I chose to become insane. So, I didn't. I chose self-restraint. I chose to accept my circumstances. The acceptance made my time easier. There was a form of peace in my time up until the others began to come. This new man though had absolutely no patience whatsoever. He had been here less than a week and he was already showing signs of weakness. I wished that he had not come. Silence was better than his cacophony and derision.
We ran to the green circle. When we arrived, I smiled. It had become such a beautiful place. The two men had begun to create a city in the center of the circle. Apparently they expected many more to come. For this I was grateful. As I said, I had become accustomed to their not speaking to me. And what remained was a gratitude for their work. My world had been nothing before they came. And at least now I had something to see. Honestly, I wasn't really even that mad at them anymore either. They seemed holy to me. In some kind of strange way, I respected their methods even though they were not wholly to my advantage.
"Whooo eeeee, look at this place! You got yourself a oasis here! Hey! Let's get in there. I want to do some swimming." said the new arrival.
How was it possible for a man, by speech alone, to be in complete discord with beauty? The profanity. I felt bad that I'd brought him here. It seemed somehow disrespectful to the beauty itself. This man had not been here for millennia yet though. He hadn't become humbled by the monotony of this world. He didn't realize how holy of a gift this was. I winced at each and every word that came from his mouth. You have to realize that after millennia of bleak solitude, you become accustomed to silence. The words this man spoke though felt like being placed under a shower of ice cold acid. The words were a painful shock compared to the serenity I was accustomed to.
"Boy, you're a quiet one! You say your name is Asmodoozy...? Asmodaisy...? What was that now?" he asked.
"Asmodeus." I silently replied.
"Asmodeus? How about if I just call you Az for short? Hey Az! We're going to have ourselves some fun here now! Let's get ourselves into this place and have ourselves a party!" he said.
"I don't think you can get in. I can't. There's an invisible wall that I've never been able to pass through. I would dearly love to get in though." I told him.
"So, let's do it!" and with that the man approached the circle.
He walked until he met the rim of the green and then stopped. He had felt the force and was now beginning to frantically search it for holes, just as I had done years previously.
"C'mon, there's got to be some way to get into this place!" he screamed.
The man searched for at least an hour before he became convinced.
"Ok! I understand. So, we can't get in here, right? What else have you got then?" he asked.
"There is nothing. This is all that we have. You can walk this way or that if you wish, and you'll find nothing for as long as you walk. It appears to be endless." I told him.
"Well, if there's nothing else out here, then why can't we get into this place! They can! Why can't we?!" he screamed.
"I think it's just that Papa Voice likes them more than He likes us." I replied.
"Oh yeah! Well, who cares about Papa Voice?" he said.
And at that, the man began to beat the force with his fists. He frantically began to run around the perimeter of the force searching with his fingertips. He began to mutter and to swear. He would jump up high feeling the wall as far as he could reach. He then got down on his knees and crept around the perimeter feeling its base and desperately scratching at the earth trying to see if he could burrow beneath. He then gave up and walked away. It was then that I knew that this man would someday go crazy. I knew that he didn't have any kind of stamina for this nothingness like I did. I also knew though that I would be forced to listen to his ugly and insane voice for eternity. I wished that he had never come.
It was then that I heard the next scream. I watched the men inside the circle. They once again paused their labor, looked up and then went back to work. I shuddered. I was not looking forward to seeing any new people here.
"Someone new is coming. Can you hear him?" I told the man.
"What? I don't hear anything." he said angrily.
"Listen carefully and look up over there." and with that I pointed to the tiny lightless speck of a man falling to the entry.
The coarse man raised his eyes up to where I was pointing and then looked angrily at me as though he thought I was lying. He then quickly glanced back and strained his eyes.
"That's a guy!" he said. And he began to run.
"You know Az! For your own good, I just have to tell you... You're boring. See you later!" he exclaimed as he ran away.
I was happy to see him go.
For days I appreciated the peace and solitude again. When this other man had come, I felt a tenseness such as I was unaccustomed to. Just the presence of another person alone felt unnerving. But, then to hear the coarseness of the man's voice, to hear his lack of respect for the beauty, to hear his childish lack of patience, it all made me feel as though I was in pain. I was happy that he was no longer here.
It took days for me to regain my composure. But, I did. But, even when I did, I knew that some day soon I would probably be forced to endure the fool's words again. I tried to enjoy my peace and the beauty again, but was unable to completely. Curse him! Why did he have to bring such ugliness to my world?
I sat, naked, on the rocky bare ground watching the nature that those who used to be my enemy had created. I did not know what my future held in store for me.
After several days, I heard a noise. It was a strange and very small buzzing. I could not understand what the sounds were exactly, but I knew that they were emanating from the entry. I waited for the sounds to disappear, but they didn't. They only grew larger in time. So, I waited as the buzzing grew in volume.
Then, to my surprise, one morning, the buzzing turned into words. I stood and looked towards the entry. There, very, very far in the distance, I saw two men running towards me. It was the coarse man that had interrupted my peace several days ago, and a new arrival. They were speaking. They seemed to be quite fond of one another.
"Yeah. You just won't believe this, but the only thing we got here is this terrarium looking place. We can't even get in. You should see the other guy that's here too. He's the biggest stiff I've ever met." said the first.
"There ain't no women here at all? What am I going to do then? There's got to be something!" said the second.
The profanity. They sounded like they were the same person. Now I was going to have to tolerate double the agony. I became angry. My loneliness and solitude had been replaced with disrespect and profanity. I preferred the loneliness and solitude. They were still hours away and I already hated them.
I had lived here for millennia. I had tolerated the silence. I had tolerated the nothing. This though, I could not tolerate. For days, I sat by the rim of the beauty and waited.
"Hey Az! How have you been you worthless idiot!" said the first.
I winced in pain.
The two approached me. They were smiling and joking one with another at the top of their voices. Each and every sentence they spoke was peppered with their vile and disdainful vocabulary. I could think of nothing else to do. So, I ate them.